Am at 7 months trying

Nope. Mr. Stork did not drop by. Oh well.

But to cheer things up a little, a friend sent me this website with this really funny article.


Dad in the delivery room

Worried about feeling useless or doing the wrong thing when your partner gives birth? We've got one man's guide to how to be supportive new dad

You’ve all seen those 70s TV sitcoms where a character is waiting for his wife to give birth. The prospective dad, usually sporting a brown suedette cardigan, paces up and down a hospital corridor, flares a-flapping, while puffing on a Woodbine. Minutes later, Matron pops her head round the door to bellow, 'Congratulations Mr Atkins. It's a boy!' Cut to the pub where it’s cigars and brandies all round as dad talks of signing up his new sprog for Aston Villa. Well if that's your idea of 'being at the birth' you're in for a shock.

Times have changed and today's dads are expected to be hands-on! Of course, if you're the sort of person who comes over all unnecessary just watching the trailers for ER, the thought of taking a ring-side seat in the delivery suite may leave you in a state of apoplexy. But seeing a new life come into the world is one of the most joyous and exhilarating moments imaginable. Trust me, no father should miss it.

So, taking the tenet 'forearmed is forewarned', let's go through your role in your baby’s birth to help ease any concerns.

‘But the car’s in for its MOT!’

One of sitcoms other great staples is the wife screaming 'George! My waters have broken!' on the number 159 bus. Naturally the hapless hubby is forced to make the delivery himself, with hilarious consequences. Though a second child may be born soon after the first contraction, rest assured that for first babies, there is usually ample time to reach the hospital.

Having said that, there is no knowing when the first contractions will begin. Sod's Law dictates it will be in the dead of night. So it's vital to do a recce of the hospital to ensure you know how to gain access out of hours. You really don't want to end up hammering on the doors at 3am.

Another tip is to check your car is well oiled and watered or, failing that, have the number of a reliable cab firm at hand – if that's not a contradiction in terms.

‘I wasn’t eyeing up that nurse, honest’

Once at the hospital a midwife will examine your partner to check if is she has begun dilating. As the contractions become more frequent and labour intensifies she will be in increasing discomfort and pain.

Believe me, no matter how many antenatal classes you’ve attended, no matter how many bendy dolls you’ve passed through plastic pelvises, nothing can prepare you for seeing the woman you love writhing around in agony. As a man you feel totally useless. Still, there are many things you can do to help comfort your partner, and a few things that you should perhaps avoid. For instance, many women find massage aids relaxation. Then again some can't stand being touched and will reward you with a smack in the kisser. Don't take it personally. And never reply 'temper, temper!'

Similarly, don't be surprised if your gentle words of encouragement ('don't worry love. It’ll all be over by tea time') are met by a torrent of verbal filth. The labour wards echo to the sound of profanity and even the most ladylike of women have been known to make Bernard Manning sound like Mother Teresa. Just take whatever is thrown at you and avoid the temptation to hurl back sarcastic ripostes.

In most cases women simply want someone to hold on to when the going gets tough. So don’t wander away from her bedside, remain focused, and try not to ogle the nurses. And if your partner is particularly demanding, bite your lip and show a little understanding. My wife had me yo-yoing between the delivery room and the hospital kitchens throughout her labour to satisfy her obsessive yearning for ice cubes.

Between contractions you can help take your partner's mind off the pain with a few distractions. Pack some games – along with familiar objects (see list below) to bring a touch of home into the hospital. If you take a camcorder show a little restraint. Shooting every little last detail with the hope of making a few quid on You’ve Been Framed really isn't on. And nor is sniffing too much gas and air. Naturally all father's are curious about its effects and will try a quick snort during a quiet moment. But being removed from the ceiling by men in white coats won’t win you any gold stars.

‘But I wanted a natural birth’

You partner will, of course, have worked out a birth plan detailing her every need and desire right down to her choice of music during delivery ('I Will Survive', right?). But remember, newborns have little respect for itineraries and there's no knowing how things will progress.

Our birth plan read something along the lines of: 'Entirely natural, no intervention, home in time for Corrie.' But being more than two weeks over her due date, my wife had no option other than being induced. She ended up having every drug known to man, before being wheeled off to theatre for an emergency Caesarean.

The lesson here is to be flexible. There are many routes to getting your baby and at the end of the day the one you have selected may not necessarily be practical. Keep an open mind as you examine all the alternatives. Above all, be supportive in any decisions your partner may make. She's the one going through the ordeal.

‘You want me to what the cord?’

Many men will tell you that seeing the baby being born is the bit they dread the most. Reasons vary from 'spoiling the female mystique' to 'have you seen Alien?'

Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be at the business end during the birth and you're not obliged to cut the umbilical cord. Plenty of men bigger and uglier than you simply mop their partner's brow while looking the other way. The important thing is that you are there to offer comfort and encouragement. And, of course, to greet the baby. Holding your new son or daughter for the first time is the greatest feeling ever. You won't believe the wave of pure euphoria that sweeps over you.

At this point you may think your role in events ends right there. Actually, it has only just begun. Your partner will be left physically and emotionally drained and look upon you as a lifeline. But for now you can congratulate yourself on a job well done. Wooooh! You're a proud new daddy!

What not to forget

It's easy to forget to pack some vital item for the hospital when your partner suddenly shrieks 'Ohmygod – get the car!!' So here's a checklist of things you may need:

• Your phone book and change for the payphone (remember, you can't use mobiles in hospital). You'll want to pass on the good news to everyone from your parents to that nice lady in the chemist who always smiles at your partner when she’s buying haemorrhoid cream.

• A good book. You could be in for a long haul. Have you read War and Peace?

• Plenty of comforting, lardy snacks (and don’t forget the power snacks for your partner!)

• Camera or camcorder, batteries and film.

• A change of clothes. The delivery suite can get hot, so pack a T-shirt and shorts or swimming trunks if your partner’s planning a water birth. Yes, nurses have seen most things, but that doesn’t mean they’ll appreciate the vision of a naked man clambering into the birthing pool.

• Money for parking. You may need to buy a hospital parking permit or relentlessly feed a meter

• Snaps of the family, holidays, pet Chihuahua, comfy cushions and a CD player to bring a touch of familiarity to the ward.

• Games for those quieter moments – Scrabble, cards etc. Twister is best avoided in this instance.

• Your baby’s car seat. They won't let you leave the hospital without one!